Everything is brighter when you open the windows

 Duh, right?

Have you ever really stopped to think what that simple action  does to a room and to the mood?  Opening the blinds at the beginning of the day to let the sun pour in and closing them in the afternoon as I settle in for evening is part of my routine.   The cats love to sit in their house and people/bird watch, and I find more often than not, my mood is better when I follow this routine. The exception  is when it is cold and raining. Then, I want it dark, and I want to be all bundled up. That is a story for another day

I am trying to pay attention this week.  I have been working thru The Artist's Way, and I have hit the week where I am doing a media cleanse.  For me, this has meant no social media, no reading. no checking the news, no watching TV (unless it involves socialization like last night when my friend and I watched Psycho). It seemed like a daunting task when I was preparing for it last week, but I have found now that I am here, it doesn't bother me.  I am enjoying the week.  Here are some of the things I have been working on/creating:

*I created a dot journal which may be the greatest thing I have ever done. I have absolutely been irrationally excited to work in it.  I plotted out a yearly calendar with big dates like the lesbian wedding in Indiana where I am giving the bride away (that is also a story for another time). I am tracking habits and moods and self-care and books I have read or want to read this year.  I even put my budget and grocery list and meal planning in there.  I work daily through my list of tasks.  I have already found I am more productive because I am keeping track of everything in one place. Also, it feels so good to mark things as done, CAN I GET AN AMEN?

*I have worked on my morning pages and gratitude journal every day.

*I had a couple of spare minutes yesterday while waiting for my friend so instead of filling it with something mindless, I took the time to relax and do a guided meditation.

*I have been listening to hypnosis tracks before bed.  I had one really good night of sleep and one really sucky night of sleep so we shall see what tonight holds.  To note, my sucky night of sleep was after watching Psycho.

*I had been doing yoga in the morning and at night, but my chiro warned me off for a few days.  I will pick back up on Thursday.  I think I will do a guided meditation instead before I go to bed tonight.

*I am being social.  I invited friends tonight over for dinner.  I did decline to go out on Sunday because I felt like organizing myself with the dot journal and getting myself in the head space for the week was more important.  I do have plans again on Thursday, and I have plotted out people I need to catch up with now that I am all vaccinated.

*I am taking tomorrow night out to finish more items in my dot journal.

*I AM WORKING ON MY BLOG.

*I have been more conscious of getting up and moving frequently while I am working.

*I got up early today and straightened my house including the bathroom.  It felt so good to have that chore out of the way early.

*I went grocery shopping for items on my dot journal shopping list.

*I cleaned out my bedroom closet.   A reminder to self:  A Good Will run is going to be necessary.

*I am working in my dot journal instead of checking my phone every five minutes to see what is going on in the social media sphere.

*I sent an email about applying for a scholarship for a class through NYU for TV and film.

*I am planning to submit auditions this week to be a holiday model for a brand of clothes I really love and also for a reality show.  NO DETAILS YET because I am not exactly ready to talk about this yet.

*I have a date tomorrow to clean my sandals.  This had been on some arbitrary list for the last year so I am glad that dot journal finally gave me some motivation.

*I FIXED MY WASHER

*I am going to give myself a pedicure tomorrow

*I am going to flip my mattress

*I am going to create a 2021 music play list

*I actually called about lab work that should have been done in August, and I have now scheduled it in my journal to actually get it done.

*I cooked dinner for the last two nights. 

*I have been reciting my artist's prayer every day.

I have done big and little things this week, and the most important of them is taking the time to unplug and find ways to fill my time in other ways.  My emotions have definitely been more leveled out this week.  As I do add media and TV back in, I will have to work to create that balance because Ru Paul's Drag Race is important, too. My dot journal will help!

What are some things you would do if you were unplugged?

Find your happy

 Some days are grumpy days.  You are exhausted or angry or hangry or grumpy just for the sake of being grumpy.  Today, I am grumpy just for the sake of being grumpy.   My legs are tired and heavy, my shoulder hurts, and I could cry except I am not sure why I am crying. GRUMP CITY.  When I get like this, I need to find my happy. My dear friend from an old job used to say that to me.  Go find your happy.  It's sound advice.  Here's my list for finding the happy quickly:

~Clean sheets and PJs.  This is not negotiable.   Nothing is potentially more heavenly then crawling into bed for the first time with everything fresh and new.   Check.  I did this yesterday.

~Snuggles with cats.  I am very specific about this.  I don't necessarily want to be climbed on. My 13-17 pound cat is all about the climbing when  I just want  to  BE. That being said, I live for times we all crawl into bed together, and everyone is STILL. 

~A favorite TV show.   I have shows that feel so comfortable because I know them so well, they feel,  like catching up with an old friend.  Falcon Crest is one of those shows for me now. (taking it back real old school).  It's been with me off and on for the better part of 40 years.  Dallas and Knots Landing make this list sometimes as well. It's possible that I am still really in love with 80's nighttime soaps.

~Clean dishes and house.  It starts wearing on me if  dishes are piled in the sink, or if there a little too much dust, or if the house needs a really good deep cleaning.  Since I am home about 90% of the time, it's important be in a safe, reasonably clean house. Bonus points for a freshly mopped floor.

~Edibles.   I love to pop an edible and relax with my shows or a movie. It's not like in my drinking when I was a super happy drunk until I wasn't.  It's hard to be unhappy with a good edible. They have saved many a long day.  

~Yoga.  It can be hard as fuck sometimes to motivate, but I find when I am the most irritable, even a few minutes on the mat will lift my mood.  I cannot recommend Yoga with Adriene enough.  

~Lights. I have twinkle lights in the living room.  In my bedroom, I have three non-burning candles, a diffuser light, a bedside table lamp, and a salt diffuser.   It's so cozy when they are all all turned on. Pretty lights make me very happy.

~Incense.   A fresh-smelling house can solve at least 98%  of life's problems.

~Cooking.   I am joined at the hip to my instant pot.   I get so focused on chopping and mixing that I can block everything else out.  Bonus points for rollibg things in flour or corn meal.   CATHARTIC.

~Journals.  I have a collection.  It helps even when I don't think I have anything to say.

~Cozy socks and a blanket when it's cold outside.  Enough said.

~Combed hair.  It's the same feeling as having a clean house.  I feel much  better when everything, including my hair, is in its proper place.

~Fresh, warm towels from the dryer.  Delightful.

~Friends.  Many a grumpy mood has been erased by belly laughs with good people.

~Acknowledgement. Sometimes, all I need is to say the feeling to myself and give myself permission to feel it.   

What helps you find your happy?

A gift to myself

This week, I have been working through the concept of "Creativity is god's gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to god."

I call bullshit.  Creativity is really our gift to ourselves.

Creativity forces us to be present, listening and observing with an open heart and mind.  This is where the real magic happens.  When we have those "epiphany" moments, we try to describe it with our art.  Art is the expression of these feelings. I know as I am working to use my creativity, I see things differently. That's the real gift.  "God" doesn't need my gift.  I need it.  That idea was very liberating to me as I sat and wrote it all out in my journal.

I have been working through The Artist's Way.  I am enjoying the process. One of the center points of the program is "god", but the author is clear from the beginning a belief in god is not necessary to work the program.   On page 3 with the basic principles, I immediately crossed out all mentions of "god" and replaced with "universe" or "goddess".  I read them aloud to myself like that.  How amazing. As I have learned to question and be more confident, using something other than "god" is a tool to learn more about myself.  

I talked to a new person this week.  She is a gay Republican Trump supporter christian.  Other than the gay part, this would seem like the very last person I could have a meaningful conversation. It was quite the opposite.  There was no judgement-- just listening and sharing each other's views and learning. I said to her I believe we probably have a lot more in common than we have different. We just have different journeys and different perspectives.

She said to me at one point "You're a believer, right?" I immediately took a deep breath and answered "No".   She then quoted scripture that when god puts his hand on us, no one can remove it, even ourselves.  She believes someday I will come back to god.

I really thought a lot about it this week.  On the one hand, a huge piece of me bristles with this kind of teaching.  She was nice and warm and welcoming, but there is still this idea that I will need to change something about myself.  It's the same old religious bullshit I have heard all my life. I think it came from a place of sincerity so I am not going to be offended by it.  Instead, I used it as an opportunity to explore and put my thoughts down on paper.

Not that I won't  change and grow as I age because with age comes experience and wisdom, but I never see myself going back to "god".   Certainly not the "god"  I was raised to know.  I believe "god" exists in the universe as the energy life-source. I use "goddess" because I believe in the feminine nurturer but also the ass-kicker when shit needs to get done. I can say there is something out there bigger and more expansive than me, but I believe it is energy, constantly moving and evolving.  I don't need the label of "god" to be in awe of this life and the power existing in this life-source.  

The leftover part of my life from the church days is the need to pray when things are going south.  There are many times--- certainly less now than when I was younger-- I just need to believe there is something that can take care of it when I can't do it myself. I think a lot about this because it seems hypocritical to me to pray when I don't believe in a "god".  I do, however, believe in the power of  the spoken word. It creates energy and movement. Ths is how prayer has evolved in my life. I need to be able to know I can take care of myself . Saying it out loud gives it a face, and that is what I need when I have hit a road block.

I am grateful I am using creativity as a gift to myself.  I am working to be confident enough to call myself an artist. I am important enough for this gift.  Using my life and talents is as much a gift to me as it is to anyone else.  It's when I am fulfilled with myself that I am really able to give back.

This journey is long and short and beautiful and ugly and frustrating and wonderful. About 89% of the time, I can say I have this and really mean it.  If I keep using the energy of the universe to propel me forward, I will be just fine.