the rainbow connection

 Now that quarantine is winding down and I am all vaccinated up, I have made plans to do a ridiculous amount of things:  I am getting drinks and catching up with multiple different friends (nothing will ever compare to last week's drunken martini night but that is a story for another time). I am doing in person Dynasty nights, I booked a reservation for DISNEYLAND. I am going to Napa. I have the lesbian wedding and two nights at the casino and two days in Kentucky and three days at the beach. I am starting TECH WEEK FOR A SHOW.  I am excited for each and every bit, and I find I am getting back into the swing of things much more quickly than I thought .  I am doing pretty good with balancing out all the fun things with good peeps with the need to just spend some time connecting with myself.   The biggest lesson I have learned from this last year-ish:  Doing all the things is not what makes me feel most connected to world.  I could easily be doing something ridiculously fun and just shut down and want to go home because something will trigger me to not feel connected.  Many times, I don't even know what caused it.  I feel the most connected to the world when I take time for myself.

Disassociation is one of the many uncomfortable things that anxiety and depression brings and, for me, it's the most unpleasant.  I would rather feel the feels than not feel anything at all.  I start feeling like I don't exist, like I am looking at myself and the world through tiny a peep hole, and everything is just going through the motions.   I have learned one way to deal with this is by getting up and doing my morning pages every morning.  Three pages and whatever comes into my brain comes out on that paper.  As I have been spending more time in my journals and with self-care and with people and less time on social media and watching TV, I have learned I can pull myself out of that wake-up funk just by writing or doing yoga or walking--  aka spending that time with myself in a productive way. My dot journal helped a lot too because I can see every single day the things I want to get done, and I get so excited as I mark things as completed or shift things around. If I weren't doing these things, I would pretty quickly hit that wall where I felt like I were just floating through life. I would miss all the good details like how the morning feels when I get up to write.  Or the joy of opening my blinds and letting the sun pour on. Or the pureness of that first sip of warm coffee and being pleasantly surprised when I make it just right.  Starting my day off with myself has forced me to figure out my morning priorities: Spend time in my journals and get down on the mat (when my chiropractor hasn't warned me off like she has now) or walking around the block in the morning before the sun has fully come up.  

It's so weird to me that connecting with myself has made me feel more part of this planet, even more than connecting with other people.  Not that I don't think connecting with other people is important.  For me, an essential part of my growth has been cultivating a friend's circle I love.  But learning about myself, how I function and what I need, is one of the best things coming out of quarantine and therapy.  Living in the details. Those details spill out of my brain in my morning times when I am alone.

As I am turning the corner and closer to 50 now than 40 and really decided it was time to make some positive changes in my life, I don't have any regrets.  I've lived the life I've wanted and when I decided it wasn't working for me, I made the change.  It's so empowering to look back and know that as I am getting to know myself and be comfortable with all my quirks (even those horrid, inpatient ones), I am accomplishing more than I ever thought possible. Even in the ordinary, mundane, daily existence, I feel like I making the ordinary extraordinary for myself and the people around me.  I wouldn't change a thing. 

One Big Puzzle

I am sitting with a cup of my morning Earl Grey tea and added a new journal to the rotation.  It's called "Life is Short.  Buy the Shoes".  It was given to me years ago by a lovely friend.  It exactly fits where I am in life right now. I love those moments when I find something that exactly fits.

I have big goals for today that include just being. I plan to not stay in my bed and watch Netflix all day (that's tomorrow's goal). I am on my couch, and I have been journaling and writing.   I've already done some yoga, and I will definitely attack Netflix later with a vengeance   I am going to try out a new recipe in my Instant Pot for an enchilada casserole.   I have to venture out for some cat litter. My stack of books  and water is at the ready. 

My default is to stay in bed and watch TV and end up sleeping a huge chunk of the day away.  Most days, this is not even because I am depressed, but because I really like it.   The cats and I will curl up,  I will have edibles, and the day is glorious.  I don't think there is anything at all wrong with this. I do think, however,  it is important to occasionally switch it up which is why I am taking the day to shift my scenery.

I like the routine I have developed during the pandemic.   Mondays and Tuesdays are my movie night with my platonic life partner.  Wednesdays are trashy soap opera FaceTime nights with two of my other platonic life partners.   Thursdays are movie night or traveling down south to spend time with the rest of "my bubble".  I really look forward to the nights of cocktails and pizza and discussing religion and/or politics until even I am surprised I have stayed up that late  Fridays are open.  Saturdays are stay in bed days.  Sundays are productive days:  Cooking, cleaning, putting shit together around the house, socializing, and more FaceTime with the boys.  This routine is so solid, and I look forward to all of these days.

I have never really been a girl with a routine for anything other than school and work and shows.  My personal life has always been fly by the seat of my pants.  I like that spontaneity, but I also realize a lot of this was because I wasn't confident enough to find a routine I liked and stick with it.  I was waiting for that perfect thing that would come along every day that would fill me up. I still find myself doing that a lot of days, but less days are like this.  Sometimes, less is okay.

When I started working from home in 2008, I was living in my parent's house by myself. I first started toying with this idea of  a routine.  I would get up and have my morning tea and read and journal and work my through TV shows that I loved.  When I stopped working from home at that time, I very easily went back to flying by the seat of my pants. I have spent a lot of my life floundering or rushing from place to place rather than taking the time to really enjoy the moment.

I am going on 4 years now of working from home again, and the pandemic has really brought those routines back.  The morning routine is usually some variation of the same:  I get up, great my hungry cats with some sarcastic comment, pee, feed the hungry cats, do yoga, heat up water for tea or coffee, make breakfast (or order Door Dash which even I will admit has gotten to be a bad habit), fill up my water bottle, turn on all the mood lights, sometimes fill up the diffuser, take my medicine, and settle in for work. Some days, it changes a little where I may not do yoga, or I may shower.   It's having the things I know I do in the mornings that bring comfort and joy to me and brings me much less anxiety.

I am really trying to work on an evening ritual. This a real struggle because when the day is winding down, I want to collapse in my cozy bed.  I am trying to add reading here and yoga and some journaling   It's hard, but I am officially working in it. 

Notice even though I have a lot of things plotted out, there's also a lot of room for flexibility in my schedule.  I can still fly by the seat of my pants if I desire.   It's trying to figure out how all these things fit together, like pieces of a big puzzle, that I find brings the most stability to my life and really gives me the opportunities to delve in and establish a solid personal relationship with myself.

I have spent a lot of years trying to have those personal relationships with god or with other people.  I still think human connections are vital.  I am pretty fortunate to have a lot of fun and quirky and caring people on this journey with me. The relationship with god not so much.  All that energy I have spent trying to connect with other things I am now spending in connecting with myself.  It's fabulous, and I found I really, really enjoy myself.  The world has opened way up. The more I learn about myself, the more I realize I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to do.  Example:   A few weekends ago, I wanted to put a bookshelf together.  I have never, ever seen this as a strength so I have avoided buying anything I have to assemble or I convince someone else to do it for me.    I made up my mind I was gonna do this one myself.  And I did. I still need to put the little plastic things on to cover the screws so it looks nice and pretty, but it's up and functional, and I did it BY MYSELF.   It was liberating.

I have found I can have all the things:  I can have my routine, I can have my work, I can have my friends, I can have my cats,  I can have my TV shows and be really happy and content. It's all a balancing act every day, I am always working at finding that balance.  Like working out a big puzzle.  I pat myself on the back when I find that big piece that has been staring at me all along.  

I don't have it all figured out yet, but figuring it out is part of the fun.

small victories, big victories

hey, all you cool cats and kittens! checkin' in on a sunday. i will always be grateful to the tiger king for adding that phrase to my lexicon rotation.

overall,  it's been a good week.   i started volunteering with my local democratic party and with the joe biden campaign  to call voters.  for biden, we are specifically calling battleground states , and  today's state was arizona.  lots and lots of hang ups.  BUT, i talked to 8 biden supporters and 1 trump supporter which was awesome.  the trump supporter was actually the cutest of them all and very careful to tell me her name was not just edna but edna louise.   she was kind, and so was i, and it was a good call.  this was today's big victory.

i am really excited about doing this so i am talking about it A LOT. it's been awhile since i've  had something new to sink my teeth into get excited about it.   i think everyone living through this pandemic can relate to that statement.  i have been working through some big and small victories this week.  some days, getting my kitchen clean early is a small victory and all i need for the day.  other days (and weeks), i need the big victories.  getting out of my comfort zone and making these calls is definitely a big victory.  i think both the small and big victories are important.

i started reading john dickerson's book the hardest job in the world: the american presidency.  so far, i really, really like it.  it's not just a trump-bashing book but instead takes a look at the presidency as a job.  it's an impossible job, even when we like who is in office, and our approval can change on a dime.   i will have more to say once i have gotten through it.  i also started re-reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets.   another small-ish victory this week:  starting to read again.  i love it but have not disciplined myself to do it in a long time.   i feel good about it.

big victory this week: i started checking out therapists.  now that i have been with a psychiatrist for awhile and have a pretty good handle on my meds, it's time to go deeper.   i am excited-ish about it.   i think i am ready to deal the things..   The first visit will be nerve wracking I AM SURE, but i am excited to just do it .   my brain just needs things it can work on right now.

another big victory: i woke up feeling so anxious and BLAH on friday.   i got up, wrote in my journal, and did some yoga.   before long, i was able to work through the BLAH and have a good morning.  that's a huge step for me-- being able to change my trajectory with recognizing the feeling, and doing something to change it. i am so excited to try this out again and see if the results are the same.

another big victory later in the day on friday:  i was thinking about something that just made me sad.  i took a deep breath and said to myself that i was going to acknowledge the thought and sit there with it for a moment.  once i was able to take that pause and acknowledge i was sad, i felt better. i was able to move on to something else and not think about that sad thought anymore right then. i learned that it's not so important to make the thought go away but to give it some space so it can go away on its own. BIG victory.

i've had some other small victories this week:   watching a nightmare on elm street for the first time and not getting too twitchy and/or falling asleep, learning how to ger into various calling platforms this week without any trouble, writing in my journal more, and not eating out at all (i am going to reward myself with a pizza today because it's sunday, and i deserve it). all victories, all important to me.

what are some big and small victories in your life this week?