A gift to myself

This week, I have been working through the concept of "Creativity is god's gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to god."

I call bullshit.  Creativity is really our gift to ourselves.

Creativity forces us to be present, listening and observing with an open heart and mind.  This is where the real magic happens.  When we have those "epiphany" moments, we try to describe it with our art.  Art is the expression of these feelings. I know as I am working to use my creativity, I see things differently. That's the real gift.  "God" doesn't need my gift.  I need it.  That idea was very liberating to me as I sat and wrote it all out in my journal.

I have been working through The Artist's Way.  I am enjoying the process. One of the center points of the program is "god", but the author is clear from the beginning a belief in god is not necessary to work the program.   On page 3 with the basic principles, I immediately crossed out all mentions of "god" and replaced with "universe" or "goddess".  I read them aloud to myself like that.  How amazing. As I have learned to question and be more confident, using something other than "god" is a tool to learn more about myself.  

I talked to a new person this week.  She is a gay Republican Trump supporter christian.  Other than the gay part, this would seem like the very last person I could have a meaningful conversation. It was quite the opposite.  There was no judgement-- just listening and sharing each other's views and learning. I said to her I believe we probably have a lot more in common than we have different. We just have different journeys and different perspectives.

She said to me at one point "You're a believer, right?" I immediately took a deep breath and answered "No".   She then quoted scripture that when god puts his hand on us, no one can remove it, even ourselves.  She believes someday I will come back to god.

I really thought a lot about it this week.  On the one hand, a huge piece of me bristles with this kind of teaching.  She was nice and warm and welcoming, but there is still this idea that I will need to change something about myself.  It's the same old religious bullshit I have heard all my life. I think it came from a place of sincerity so I am not going to be offended by it.  Instead, I used it as an opportunity to explore and put my thoughts down on paper.

Not that I won't  change and grow as I age because with age comes experience and wisdom, but I never see myself going back to "god".   Certainly not the "god"  I was raised to know.  I believe "god" exists in the universe as the energy life-source. I use "goddess" because I believe in the feminine nurturer but also the ass-kicker when shit needs to get done. I can say there is something out there bigger and more expansive than me, but I believe it is energy, constantly moving and evolving.  I don't need the label of "god" to be in awe of this life and the power existing in this life-source.  

The leftover part of my life from the church days is the need to pray when things are going south.  There are many times--- certainly less now than when I was younger-- I just need to believe there is something that can take care of it when I can't do it myself. I think a lot about this because it seems hypocritical to me to pray when I don't believe in a "god".  I do, however, believe in the power of  the spoken word. It creates energy and movement. Ths is how prayer has evolved in my life. I need to be able to know I can take care of myself . Saying it out loud gives it a face, and that is what I need when I have hit a road block.

I am grateful I am using creativity as a gift to myself.  I am working to be confident enough to call myself an artist. I am important enough for this gift.  Using my life and talents is as much a gift to me as it is to anyone else.  It's when I am fulfilled with myself that I am really able to give back.

This journey is long and short and beautiful and ugly and frustrating and wonderful. About 89% of the time, I can say I have this and really mean it.  If I keep using the energy of the universe to propel me forward, I will be just fine.