the rainbow connection

 Now that quarantine is winding down and I am all vaccinated up, I have made plans to do a ridiculous amount of things:  I am getting drinks and catching up with multiple different friends (nothing will ever compare to last week's drunken martini night but that is a story for another time). I am doing in person Dynasty nights, I booked a reservation for DISNEYLAND. I am going to Napa. I have the lesbian wedding and two nights at the casino and two days in Kentucky and three days at the beach. I am starting TECH WEEK FOR A SHOW.  I am excited for each and every bit, and I find I am getting back into the swing of things much more quickly than I thought .  I am doing pretty good with balancing out all the fun things with good peeps with the need to just spend some time connecting with myself.   The biggest lesson I have learned from this last year-ish:  Doing all the things is not what makes me feel most connected to world.  I could easily be doing something ridiculously fun and just shut down and want to go home because something will trigger me to not feel connected.  Many times, I don't even know what caused it.  I feel the most connected to the world when I take time for myself.

Disassociation is one of the many uncomfortable things that anxiety and depression brings and, for me, it's the most unpleasant.  I would rather feel the feels than not feel anything at all.  I start feeling like I don't exist, like I am looking at myself and the world through tiny a peep hole, and everything is just going through the motions.   I have learned one way to deal with this is by getting up and doing my morning pages every morning.  Three pages and whatever comes into my brain comes out on that paper.  As I have been spending more time in my journals and with self-care and with people and less time on social media and watching TV, I have learned I can pull myself out of that wake-up funk just by writing or doing yoga or walking--  aka spending that time with myself in a productive way. My dot journal helped a lot too because I can see every single day the things I want to get done, and I get so excited as I mark things as completed or shift things around. If I weren't doing these things, I would pretty quickly hit that wall where I felt like I were just floating through life. I would miss all the good details like how the morning feels when I get up to write.  Or the joy of opening my blinds and letting the sun pour on. Or the pureness of that first sip of warm coffee and being pleasantly surprised when I make it just right.  Starting my day off with myself has forced me to figure out my morning priorities: Spend time in my journals and get down on the mat (when my chiropractor hasn't warned me off like she has now) or walking around the block in the morning before the sun has fully come up.  

It's so weird to me that connecting with myself has made me feel more part of this planet, even more than connecting with other people.  Not that I don't think connecting with other people is important.  For me, an essential part of my growth has been cultivating a friend's circle I love.  But learning about myself, how I function and what I need, is one of the best things coming out of quarantine and therapy.  Living in the details. Those details spill out of my brain in my morning times when I am alone.

As I am turning the corner and closer to 50 now than 40 and really decided it was time to make some positive changes in my life, I don't have any regrets.  I've lived the life I've wanted and when I decided it wasn't working for me, I made the change.  It's so empowering to look back and know that as I am getting to know myself and be comfortable with all my quirks (even those horrid, inpatient ones), I am accomplishing more than I ever thought possible. Even in the ordinary, mundane, daily existence, I feel like I making the ordinary extraordinary for myself and the people around me.  I wouldn't change a thing. 

Everything is brighter when you open the windows

 Duh, right?

Have you ever really stopped to think what that simple action  does to a room and to the mood?  Opening the blinds at the beginning of the day to let the sun pour in and closing them in the afternoon as I settle in for evening is part of my routine.   The cats love to sit in their house and people/bird watch, and I find more often than not, my mood is better when I follow this routine. The exception  is when it is cold and raining. Then, I want it dark, and I want to be all bundled up. That is a story for another day

I am trying to pay attention this week.  I have been working thru The Artist's Way, and I have hit the week where I am doing a media cleanse.  For me, this has meant no social media, no reading. no checking the news, no watching TV (unless it involves socialization like last night when my friend and I watched Psycho). It seemed like a daunting task when I was preparing for it last week, but I have found now that I am here, it doesn't bother me.  I am enjoying the week.  Here are some of the things I have been working on/creating:

*I created a dot journal which may be the greatest thing I have ever done. I have absolutely been irrationally excited to work in it.  I plotted out a yearly calendar with big dates like the lesbian wedding in Indiana where I am giving the bride away (that is also a story for another time). I am tracking habits and moods and self-care and books I have read or want to read this year.  I even put my budget and grocery list and meal planning in there.  I work daily through my list of tasks.  I have already found I am more productive because I am keeping track of everything in one place. Also, it feels so good to mark things as done, CAN I GET AN AMEN?

*I have worked on my morning pages and gratitude journal every day.

*I had a couple of spare minutes yesterday while waiting for my friend so instead of filling it with something mindless, I took the time to relax and do a guided meditation.

*I have been listening to hypnosis tracks before bed.  I had one really good night of sleep and one really sucky night of sleep so we shall see what tonight holds.  To note, my sucky night of sleep was after watching Psycho.

*I had been doing yoga in the morning and at night, but my chiro warned me off for a few days.  I will pick back up on Thursday.  I think I will do a guided meditation instead before I go to bed tonight.

*I am being social.  I invited friends tonight over for dinner.  I did decline to go out on Sunday because I felt like organizing myself with the dot journal and getting myself in the head space for the week was more important.  I do have plans again on Thursday, and I have plotted out people I need to catch up with now that I am all vaccinated.

*I am taking tomorrow night out to finish more items in my dot journal.

*I AM WORKING ON MY BLOG.

*I have been more conscious of getting up and moving frequently while I am working.

*I got up early today and straightened my house including the bathroom.  It felt so good to have that chore out of the way early.

*I went grocery shopping for items on my dot journal shopping list.

*I cleaned out my bedroom closet.   A reminder to self:  A Good Will run is going to be necessary.

*I am working in my dot journal instead of checking my phone every five minutes to see what is going on in the social media sphere.

*I sent an email about applying for a scholarship for a class through NYU for TV and film.

*I am planning to submit auditions this week to be a holiday model for a brand of clothes I really love and also for a reality show.  NO DETAILS YET because I am not exactly ready to talk about this yet.

*I have a date tomorrow to clean my sandals.  This had been on some arbitrary list for the last year so I am glad that dot journal finally gave me some motivation.

*I FIXED MY WASHER

*I am going to give myself a pedicure tomorrow

*I am going to flip my mattress

*I am going to create a 2021 music play list

*I actually called about lab work that should have been done in August, and I have now scheduled it in my journal to actually get it done.

*I cooked dinner for the last two nights. 

*I have been reciting my artist's prayer every day.

I have done big and little things this week, and the most important of them is taking the time to unplug and find ways to fill my time in other ways.  My emotions have definitely been more leveled out this week.  As I do add media and TV back in, I will have to work to create that balance because Ru Paul's Drag Race is important, too. My dot journal will help!

What are some things you would do if you were unplugged?

Find your happy

 Some days are grumpy days.  You are exhausted or angry or hangry or grumpy just for the sake of being grumpy.  Today, I am grumpy just for the sake of being grumpy.   My legs are tired and heavy, my shoulder hurts, and I could cry except I am not sure why I am crying. GRUMP CITY.  When I get like this, I need to find my happy. My dear friend from an old job used to say that to me.  Go find your happy.  It's sound advice.  Here's my list for finding the happy quickly:

~Clean sheets and PJs.  This is not negotiable.   Nothing is potentially more heavenly then crawling into bed for the first time with everything fresh and new.   Check.  I did this yesterday.

~Snuggles with cats.  I am very specific about this.  I don't necessarily want to be climbed on. My 13-17 pound cat is all about the climbing when  I just want  to  BE. That being said, I live for times we all crawl into bed together, and everyone is STILL. 

~A favorite TV show.   I have shows that feel so comfortable because I know them so well, they feel,  like catching up with an old friend.  Falcon Crest is one of those shows for me now. (taking it back real old school).  It's been with me off and on for the better part of 40 years.  Dallas and Knots Landing make this list sometimes as well. It's possible that I am still really in love with 80's nighttime soaps.

~Clean dishes and house.  It starts wearing on me if  dishes are piled in the sink, or if there a little too much dust, or if the house needs a really good deep cleaning.  Since I am home about 90% of the time, it's important be in a safe, reasonably clean house. Bonus points for a freshly mopped floor.

~Edibles.   I love to pop an edible and relax with my shows or a movie. It's not like in my drinking when I was a super happy drunk until I wasn't.  It's hard to be unhappy with a good edible. They have saved many a long day.  

~Yoga.  It can be hard as fuck sometimes to motivate, but I find when I am the most irritable, even a few minutes on the mat will lift my mood.  I cannot recommend Yoga with Adriene enough.  

~Lights. I have twinkle lights in the living room.  In my bedroom, I have three non-burning candles, a diffuser light, a bedside table lamp, and a salt diffuser.   It's so cozy when they are all all turned on. Pretty lights make me very happy.

~Incense.   A fresh-smelling house can solve at least 98%  of life's problems.

~Cooking.   I am joined at the hip to my instant pot.   I get so focused on chopping and mixing that I can block everything else out.  Bonus points for rollibg things in flour or corn meal.   CATHARTIC.

~Journals.  I have a collection.  It helps even when I don't think I have anything to say.

~Cozy socks and a blanket when it's cold outside.  Enough said.

~Combed hair.  It's the same feeling as having a clean house.  I feel much  better when everything, including my hair, is in its proper place.

~Fresh, warm towels from the dryer.  Delightful.

~Friends.  Many a grumpy mood has been erased by belly laughs with good people.

~Acknowledgement. Sometimes, all I need is to say the feeling to myself and give myself permission to feel it.   

What helps you find your happy?

A gift to myself

This week, I have been working through the concept of "Creativity is god's gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to god."

I call bullshit.  Creativity is really our gift to ourselves.

Creativity forces us to be present, listening and observing with an open heart and mind.  This is where the real magic happens.  When we have those "epiphany" moments, we try to describe it with our art.  Art is the expression of these feelings. I know as I am working to use my creativity, I see things differently. That's the real gift.  "God" doesn't need my gift.  I need it.  That idea was very liberating to me as I sat and wrote it all out in my journal.

I have been working through The Artist's Way.  I am enjoying the process. One of the center points of the program is "god", but the author is clear from the beginning a belief in god is not necessary to work the program.   On page 3 with the basic principles, I immediately crossed out all mentions of "god" and replaced with "universe" or "goddess".  I read them aloud to myself like that.  How amazing. As I have learned to question and be more confident, using something other than "god" is a tool to learn more about myself.  

I talked to a new person this week.  She is a gay Republican Trump supporter christian.  Other than the gay part, this would seem like the very last person I could have a meaningful conversation. It was quite the opposite.  There was no judgement-- just listening and sharing each other's views and learning. I said to her I believe we probably have a lot more in common than we have different. We just have different journeys and different perspectives.

She said to me at one point "You're a believer, right?" I immediately took a deep breath and answered "No".   She then quoted scripture that when god puts his hand on us, no one can remove it, even ourselves.  She believes someday I will come back to god.

I really thought a lot about it this week.  On the one hand, a huge piece of me bristles with this kind of teaching.  She was nice and warm and welcoming, but there is still this idea that I will need to change something about myself.  It's the same old religious bullshit I have heard all my life. I think it came from a place of sincerity so I am not going to be offended by it.  Instead, I used it as an opportunity to explore and put my thoughts down on paper.

Not that I won't  change and grow as I age because with age comes experience and wisdom, but I never see myself going back to "god".   Certainly not the "god"  I was raised to know.  I believe "god" exists in the universe as the energy life-source. I use "goddess" because I believe in the feminine nurturer but also the ass-kicker when shit needs to get done. I can say there is something out there bigger and more expansive than me, but I believe it is energy, constantly moving and evolving.  I don't need the label of "god" to be in awe of this life and the power existing in this life-source.  

The leftover part of my life from the church days is the need to pray when things are going south.  There are many times--- certainly less now than when I was younger-- I just need to believe there is something that can take care of it when I can't do it myself. I think a lot about this because it seems hypocritical to me to pray when I don't believe in a "god".  I do, however, believe in the power of  the spoken word. It creates energy and movement. Ths is how prayer has evolved in my life. I need to be able to know I can take care of myself . Saying it out loud gives it a face, and that is what I need when I have hit a road block.

I am grateful I am using creativity as a gift to myself.  I am working to be confident enough to call myself an artist. I am important enough for this gift.  Using my life and talents is as much a gift to me as it is to anyone else.  It's when I am fulfilled with myself that I am really able to give back.

This journey is long and short and beautiful and ugly and frustrating and wonderful. About 89% of the time, I can say I have this and really mean it.  If I keep using the energy of the universe to propel me forward, I will be just fine.

morning

first light

cat paws

plant

books

journals

colors

pens

dishes

water

black coffee

phone

floor dirt

melodic refrigerator

grey

laundry remains

twirling fan

blankets

cannibas

ease

yoga 

photos

uncombed hair

peanut butter

clock

broken statue

memories

art

chakras

love

heroes

muffin tins

empty vase

unfinished projects

flower pattern

messy

pillows

paper bags

windows

dust

movement

 bottles

prayer candles

ashes

magic

wind

skulls

teapot

heirlooms

twinkle lights

buddah

One Big Puzzle

I am sitting with a cup of my morning Earl Grey tea and added a new journal to the rotation.  It's called "Life is Short.  Buy the Shoes".  It was given to me years ago by a lovely friend.  It exactly fits where I am in life right now. I love those moments when I find something that exactly fits.

I have big goals for today that include just being. I plan to not stay in my bed and watch Netflix all day (that's tomorrow's goal). I am on my couch, and I have been journaling and writing.   I've already done some yoga, and I will definitely attack Netflix later with a vengeance   I am going to try out a new recipe in my Instant Pot for an enchilada casserole.   I have to venture out for some cat litter. My stack of books  and water is at the ready. 

My default is to stay in bed and watch TV and end up sleeping a huge chunk of the day away.  Most days, this is not even because I am depressed, but because I really like it.   The cats and I will curl up,  I will have edibles, and the day is glorious.  I don't think there is anything at all wrong with this. I do think, however,  it is important to occasionally switch it up which is why I am taking the day to shift my scenery.

I like the routine I have developed during the pandemic.   Mondays and Tuesdays are my movie night with my platonic life partner.  Wednesdays are trashy soap opera FaceTime nights with two of my other platonic life partners.   Thursdays are movie night or traveling down south to spend time with the rest of "my bubble".  I really look forward to the nights of cocktails and pizza and discussing religion and/or politics until even I am surprised I have stayed up that late  Fridays are open.  Saturdays are stay in bed days.  Sundays are productive days:  Cooking, cleaning, putting shit together around the house, socializing, and more FaceTime with the boys.  This routine is so solid, and I look forward to all of these days.

I have never really been a girl with a routine for anything other than school and work and shows.  My personal life has always been fly by the seat of my pants.  I like that spontaneity, but I also realize a lot of this was because I wasn't confident enough to find a routine I liked and stick with it.  I was waiting for that perfect thing that would come along every day that would fill me up. I still find myself doing that a lot of days, but less days are like this.  Sometimes, less is okay.

When I started working from home in 2008, I was living in my parent's house by myself. I first started toying with this idea of  a routine.  I would get up and have my morning tea and read and journal and work my through TV shows that I loved.  When I stopped working from home at that time, I very easily went back to flying by the seat of my pants. I have spent a lot of my life floundering or rushing from place to place rather than taking the time to really enjoy the moment.

I am going on 4 years now of working from home again, and the pandemic has really brought those routines back.  The morning routine is usually some variation of the same:  I get up, great my hungry cats with some sarcastic comment, pee, feed the hungry cats, do yoga, heat up water for tea or coffee, make breakfast (or order Door Dash which even I will admit has gotten to be a bad habit), fill up my water bottle, turn on all the mood lights, sometimes fill up the diffuser, take my medicine, and settle in for work. Some days, it changes a little where I may not do yoga, or I may shower.   It's having the things I know I do in the mornings that bring comfort and joy to me and brings me much less anxiety.

I am really trying to work on an evening ritual. This a real struggle because when the day is winding down, I want to collapse in my cozy bed.  I am trying to add reading here and yoga and some journaling   It's hard, but I am officially working in it. 

Notice even though I have a lot of things plotted out, there's also a lot of room for flexibility in my schedule.  I can still fly by the seat of my pants if I desire.   It's trying to figure out how all these things fit together, like pieces of a big puzzle, that I find brings the most stability to my life and really gives me the opportunities to delve in and establish a solid personal relationship with myself.

I have spent a lot of years trying to have those personal relationships with god or with other people.  I still think human connections are vital.  I am pretty fortunate to have a lot of fun and quirky and caring people on this journey with me. The relationship with god not so much.  All that energy I have spent trying to connect with other things I am now spending in connecting with myself.  It's fabulous, and I found I really, really enjoy myself.  The world has opened way up. The more I learn about myself, the more I realize I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to do.  Example:   A few weekends ago, I wanted to put a bookshelf together.  I have never, ever seen this as a strength so I have avoided buying anything I have to assemble or I convince someone else to do it for me.    I made up my mind I was gonna do this one myself.  And I did. I still need to put the little plastic things on to cover the screws so it looks nice and pretty, but it's up and functional, and I did it BY MYSELF.   It was liberating.

I have found I can have all the things:  I can have my routine, I can have my work, I can have my friends, I can have my cats,  I can have my TV shows and be really happy and content. It's all a balancing act every day, I am always working at finding that balance.  Like working out a big puzzle.  I pat myself on the back when I find that big piece that has been staring at me all along.  

I don't have it all figured out yet, but figuring it out is part of the fun.

When the Rain Starts Falling

 I love everything about a good storm especially I don't have to go outside.

I love sitting in the house and listening to the rain hitting the windows. I love the wind screaming from the heavens.   I even love the downed tree branches as ling as they don't do any real damage. I feel safe and protected inside in my cozy little house, knowing the rain is going to stay out there. I can just sit back and enjoy it.

Being from the south, I am used to A LOT of storms.  When I was a kid, tornado season would freak me the fuck out. I would spend all day watching the Weather Channel and track storms as they moved across the country. I would wait for that tornado watch or warning.  I would be so scared when I heard the sirens start blaring.   I still get a little nervous now anytime the sirens go off even if I know they are just being tested. That being said, I lived in a world where nothing bad could ever happen to me (the good old days) so I really don't think I was THAT scared. I think a lot of it was liked the excitement.  Now that I have gotten older, I would give anything for a good storm chase. I say that NOW.  Seriously, I do miss a good storm. We don't get so many of those in California, so I am always thankful when they come my way.

I find the rain and wind unbelievably cozy. I have a stack of things I like to do to celebrate this coziness.  Here is my list:

*Bundling up in my coziest clothes.  Today, it's my RBG SUPER DIVA sweatshirt, my Gap sweatpants which are too big, my new sleep sweater from Torrid (Trust me on this, everyone needs a good sleep sweater), warm socks, and frizzy hair pulled back with a bedazzled clip.  Everything on my person right now is super cozy.

*A cat (s).   The rain and wind were made for cats. I find nothing better than a good feline snuggle buddy at times like this.  I have an enormous black fluff ball at my side right now.

*Low lights.  Today, I turned on my LED candles, my diffuser with soft green light, and the fairy light in my living room.  When I settle in to watch TV later, every light in the living room is going OFF.

*A good book (s).   I am not sure that I will get to my stack today, but I have them out just in case.

*Blankets.   These are essential.  Today, I am piled up with the cat blanket, a beautiful pink furry one, a blue one that was a gift from work, and I am a hot second from wrapping all the way up in my Star Wars blanket.

*Warm tea and/or coffee.  French roast was on the menu for this morning. 

*Movies and TV shows.  In particular, Falcon Crest "Stormy Weather" is a favorite.  I plan to put this on later as I am settling in my bed for the night. If I had planned this out better, I would have spent the day watching Harry Potter.

*Waking up in the middle of the night or early in the morning and listening to the rain hit the windows.  Today, the wind sounded SO ANGRY, and I loved everything about it.  I especially love it when I know I don't have anywhere to be.

*Soup.  Today's menu:  Tortellini and mushroom soup made in the Instant Pot.  HEAVEN.

Talk to me, world.  What are some things that make you happy and cozy during the rain?

Happy Wednesday!