i have thought about the dreaded "middle age" at several junctures in my life. i never really thought it was going to happen to me. i would always be young, right? back in my church days, i thought we would have been OUT by now so i never gave it a lot of thought.
i used to joke in my 20's that i was having my mid-life crisis early. i was so fucking wrong.
i thought about it again when i was 39 and had a pee problem. the ob-gyn's response was "well, there are not a lot of options for women your age". i should have punched him hard in the balls right then.
i started wearing glasses shortly thereafter. i thought here we go. wrong again.
the hits kept coming. i hurt my back. i hurt my ankle. i was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis which was fucking random. i cut way back on drinking because i decided feeling like shit the next morning just wasn't fun anymore (nor was it ever). things were just starting to feel different in my body.
but nothing could have prepared me or made me more acutely aware of my middle-age than when i started perimenopause. for really the first time, i could not count on my body to do the things it had always done. i was anxious and angry and depressed and happy: all cycling on constant rotation. i developed insomnia. i started taking a lot of meds just to get out of bed and be functional. my skin got itchy. i never knew when my period would come or how long it would stay or how much it would hurt. nothing was as it should be. i had a nervous breakdown over the holidays as i dealt with all the changes. you know what? it's the best fucking thing that ever happened to me.
i had to pause and figure out how to deal with this. part of this included reflecting about where i want to go in this next stage of my life. i worked with the doctor to get the symptoms under control. i started seeing a psychiatrist which was a big fucking deal. there are good days and bad days now and one step and moment at a time, i am learning how to put control of my life in my own hands. it's given me more confidence that maybe my middle years can be good years. i am researching and learning and doing the things i need to do for me. sometimes, i feel in my mind like i am 19 or 20 years old again and have the whole world ahead of me. i have to remind myself my body doesn't necessarily agree. yoga and mediation and journaling are helping. fewer beyond burgers and fried would probably help more.
perimenopause, as inevitable as it is for all of us chicks, was a real ego deflater for me. i had to admit i wasn't getting any younger. i wasn't really sure what i still had to offer, or what the world was willing to offer to me. for many months, i really did nothing but take my medicine and be kind to myself. that was the right thing to do.
This pause has given me a much needed rest to think about thinking patterns and beliefs that no longer serve me well. one day, i decided that i could do anything i set my mind to, and that's opened up a whole new world that is one beauty of hitting middle age: a lot of the fucks given go away. i am cooking like crazy and not seriously fucking it up. i am volunteering to GET OUT THE vote for the election. i am reading. i am watching a LOT of TV (current netflix binge: the last dance). i am fixing up my apartment. i am doing a lot of shopping. i am doing what i want, on my own terms, and not feeling a damn bit guilty when there are days i just can't get out of bed. not feeling real guilty.
i am learning to embrace and be just this side of excited about what the future can look like. i am allowing myself to be hopeful and working every day to learn new things about myself . i am actually enjoying the process. learning more about me is a good gift from me to me. i am still trying to get the anxiety under control. i may feel 60% better most days. but perimenopause is a real bitch who isn't going anywhere soon. I sure don't have it all figured out yet.
i will get through this. like i always do.
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