I never planned to leave the church
I never planned to be an agnostic.
I never planned to be an atheist.
then life happened.
My break from the church was actually pretty anti-climactic although it was a process .No real planning. When I moved to California, I knew I wanted something different from how I grew up. I half-heartedly went to a few churches, but realized I didn't just want something different. I didn't want anything at all. I was okay with that.
Although didn't plan to leave the church, I can think of three very specific things that lead to my eventual exodus: Being terribly hurt and disappointed by a leader in the church, the death of my mother, and the suicide of a then friend's brother. I started to question and look at things and think that everything just did not add up. The whole process took about 5 years. I am still working through it some days. At first, I didn't feel the need to put a label on it. I was okay with being agnostic. I am much more willing to call myself an atheist now, and I think that just has to do with time and life experience. I am just at peace with my life now in a way I have never been. That doesn't all have to do with church, but a good portion of it does.
I was never sad about it. I never missed it. I never wanted to go back. I just felt this overwhelming peace and an eventual realization that I could be whoever I wanted to be. I was able to figure out who the hell I was, and what motivated me. I had opinions, and I was not afraid to share them. I found myself, and I just would not trade that
I have also accumulated a great number of amazing friends over the years since I have left (and still a few friends left from the old days). Friends who text me just to tell me they love me. Friends who text me not to panic that Betty White is trending because it's her birthday. Friends who talk politics and religion with me and drink wine until the wee hours (I now consider anything past 10 pm "the wee hours"). Friends who share my love for a good 80's soap operas. Friends who understand the importance of watching Keeping up with the Kardashians. Friends who bring me the non-dairy ice cream bars we both like.
Many of these people I may have never met if I had stayed in that narrow, rigid world.
Even though I never regretted for an instant leaving the church, I will admit that organized religion does strike a tense cord in me. I have spent hours talking about this at nauseam with my friends. Now that I am on the other side, it seems to be that it should be so clear. To be perfectly honest, that's pretty judgmental of me. I have never really been able to strike that balance between realizing that every "christian" is not how I was raised and just immediately be turned off as soon as I hear the word. I am working on that.
Even though I talk a lot about religion and the damage I believe it has the capacity to do to individuals and to society, I am not really often confronted with looking at my past right in the eye.
That was until this week.
We had an insurrection at the Capitol. That's another whole blog post. It just has disgusted and enraged me in a way that I cannot even put into words. Then, someone I went to school with posted a video from the last Sunday morning service of my former church. The preacher prays "curses" over those who unfairly stole the election. He cursed them with poverty and with the worst year of their lives. Considering the year we just came from (fuck off, 2020), that's a pretty hefty curse. It was absolutely cringe-worthy. I was angry and sad . How can you still have such love for a place and for a period of life and simultaneously just think that everything about it is really fucked up? I am having to confront that is happening a lot as I am working through my past: The church, my parents. I have love and anger all at the very same time.
As my past religion came right to the front of my brain this week, I had to do some examining of myself. I didn't exactly like what I saw. I had to ask myself how I sat through that for so long. If I were still there, would I believe the election had been stolen? Would I be cheering the pastor on with his curses? I would like to think not, but I really don't know. Sometimes, when you are right in the middle of a belief that is so dangerous and divisive, you can't always see through it. This is the true definition of a cult which, even now, is hard for me to say out loud. It makes me uncomfortable so I can't say it right now. I really started to get down on myself and think what a hypocrite. Here I am spewing righteous fury now when I was once sitting in those pews. I had to tell myself STOP and just to be thankful that now I am on the other side. My therapist and I talked a lot about it this week. Dwelling in the past serves me no good now. I learned. I moved on. End of story. That's what I will continue to tell myself every time this tries to rear its ugly head.
Another interesting thing happened this week. I had been talking to several friends about reading the Bible again as a book of literature now that I am an adult and an atheist. I decided I was going to pull out my old Bible, the one the church has given me when I graduated high school. It had an Al-Anon bookmark tucked in it, and there were lots of passages that were highlighted. I loved that Bible because it was so easy to understand, and it was my "good" Bible. When I pulled it out, I had an immediate visceral reaction. I started to be afraid and panic. Also, I was always taught the Bible should be on top and nothing on it. This totally fucked with my OCD because it was the biggest book and should go on the bottom. I had to tell myself I was being ridiculous and made myself put it on the bottom so my OCD could be satisfied. I continued to swirl and panic. I finally decided I am just not ready for this right now and had to put it back in the closet from whence it came. I talked to therapist about it. She said it could have triggered a PTSD reaction because objects do have meaning. Just picking up that book and trying to remember who I was at that time triggered that reaction in me. She suggested if I ever did decide I wanted to read it again that I start with a neutral Bible and not one that held such memories. That's a great idea, but I don't have a desire to pick one up again anytime soon.
I still hold to that my leaving the church was anti-climatic with a little touch of the dramatic as I had to look at some of it again this week. I had a bad exchange on social media with a dude I went to high school with. My moral compass is "broken", and I very happily announced I had no qualms about my moral compass thank you very much. I also had a couple of really positive conversations with old friends and mentors. They represent a special and complicated time in my life. I was reminded again of how fortunate I am to have such loving people from both eras of my life. It gave me some hope that Christians and non-believers can co-exist together peacefully. They weren't judging but loving. Isn't that what a Christian should be? Isn't that what a good human should be? I am thankful (man, I hate that word, but it just fits right now) that I still have people in my life from that time who have watched me grow and thankful (there is is again) that I have friends who never knew that part of me. Both sets of them love me which I think is a huge accomplishment.
Leaving the church has done a lot for me. Or maybe it's just getting older. Maybe a combination of both. I am more opiniated, sassier, trying to be a good person because it's the right thing to do and not because I am afraid of going to Hell, bitchier, more fiercely loving, more willing to question, more willing to learn, more willing to admit I do not have all the answers, more determined to not end up like either of my parents, more determined to never live a narrow life again. I am me, and I like that a lot.
Also, Donald Trump is only in office for 2.5 days Thank gawd. I might need a cocktail later to celebrate.
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