Everything is brighter when you open the windows

 Duh, right?

Have you ever really stopped to think what that simple action  does to a room and to the mood?  Opening the blinds at the beginning of the day to let the sun pour in and closing them in the afternoon as I settle in for evening is part of my routine.   The cats love to sit in their house and people/bird watch, and I find more often than not, my mood is better when I follow this routine. The exception  is when it is cold and raining. Then, I want it dark, and I want to be all bundled up. That is a story for another day

I am trying to pay attention this week.  I have been working thru The Artist's Way, and I have hit the week where I am doing a media cleanse.  For me, this has meant no social media, no reading. no checking the news, no watching TV (unless it involves socialization like last night when my friend and I watched Psycho). It seemed like a daunting task when I was preparing for it last week, but I have found now that I am here, it doesn't bother me.  I am enjoying the week.  Here are some of the things I have been working on/creating:

*I created a dot journal which may be the greatest thing I have ever done. I have absolutely been irrationally excited to work in it.  I plotted out a yearly calendar with big dates like the lesbian wedding in Indiana where I am giving the bride away (that is also a story for another time). I am tracking habits and moods and self-care and books I have read or want to read this year.  I even put my budget and grocery list and meal planning in there.  I work daily through my list of tasks.  I have already found I am more productive because I am keeping track of everything in one place. Also, it feels so good to mark things as done, CAN I GET AN AMEN?

*I have worked on my morning pages and gratitude journal every day.

*I had a couple of spare minutes yesterday while waiting for my friend so instead of filling it with something mindless, I took the time to relax and do a guided meditation.

*I have been listening to hypnosis tracks before bed.  I had one really good night of sleep and one really sucky night of sleep so we shall see what tonight holds.  To note, my sucky night of sleep was after watching Psycho.

*I had been doing yoga in the morning and at night, but my chiro warned me off for a few days.  I will pick back up on Thursday.  I think I will do a guided meditation instead before I go to bed tonight.

*I am being social.  I invited friends tonight over for dinner.  I did decline to go out on Sunday because I felt like organizing myself with the dot journal and getting myself in the head space for the week was more important.  I do have plans again on Thursday, and I have plotted out people I need to catch up with now that I am all vaccinated.

*I am taking tomorrow night out to finish more items in my dot journal.

*I AM WORKING ON MY BLOG.

*I have been more conscious of getting up and moving frequently while I am working.

*I got up early today and straightened my house including the bathroom.  It felt so good to have that chore out of the way early.

*I went grocery shopping for items on my dot journal shopping list.

*I cleaned out my bedroom closet.   A reminder to self:  A Good Will run is going to be necessary.

*I am working in my dot journal instead of checking my phone every five minutes to see what is going on in the social media sphere.

*I sent an email about applying for a scholarship for a class through NYU for TV and film.

*I am planning to submit auditions this week to be a holiday model for a brand of clothes I really love and also for a reality show.  NO DETAILS YET because I am not exactly ready to talk about this yet.

*I have a date tomorrow to clean my sandals.  This had been on some arbitrary list for the last year so I am glad that dot journal finally gave me some motivation.

*I FIXED MY WASHER

*I am going to give myself a pedicure tomorrow

*I am going to flip my mattress

*I am going to create a 2021 music play list

*I actually called about lab work that should have been done in August, and I have now scheduled it in my journal to actually get it done.

*I cooked dinner for the last two nights. 

*I have been reciting my artist's prayer every day.

I have done big and little things this week, and the most important of them is taking the time to unplug and find ways to fill my time in other ways.  My emotions have definitely been more leveled out this week.  As I do add media and TV back in, I will have to work to create that balance because Ru Paul's Drag Race is important, too. My dot journal will help!

What are some things you would do if you were unplugged?

Find your happy

 Some days are grumpy days.  You are exhausted or angry or hangry or grumpy just for the sake of being grumpy.  Today, I am grumpy just for the sake of being grumpy.   My legs are tired and heavy, my shoulder hurts, and I could cry except I am not sure why I am crying. GRUMP CITY.  When I get like this, I need to find my happy. My dear friend from an old job used to say that to me.  Go find your happy.  It's sound advice.  Here's my list for finding the happy quickly:

~Clean sheets and PJs.  This is not negotiable.   Nothing is potentially more heavenly then crawling into bed for the first time with everything fresh and new.   Check.  I did this yesterday.

~Snuggles with cats.  I am very specific about this.  I don't necessarily want to be climbed on. My 13-17 pound cat is all about the climbing when  I just want  to  BE. That being said, I live for times we all crawl into bed together, and everyone is STILL. 

~A favorite TV show.   I have shows that feel so comfortable because I know them so well, they feel,  like catching up with an old friend.  Falcon Crest is one of those shows for me now. (taking it back real old school).  It's been with me off and on for the better part of 40 years.  Dallas and Knots Landing make this list sometimes as well. It's possible that I am still really in love with 80's nighttime soaps.

~Clean dishes and house.  It starts wearing on me if  dishes are piled in the sink, or if there a little too much dust, or if the house needs a really good deep cleaning.  Since I am home about 90% of the time, it's important be in a safe, reasonably clean house. Bonus points for a freshly mopped floor.

~Edibles.   I love to pop an edible and relax with my shows or a movie. It's not like in my drinking when I was a super happy drunk until I wasn't.  It's hard to be unhappy with a good edible. They have saved many a long day.  

~Yoga.  It can be hard as fuck sometimes to motivate, but I find when I am the most irritable, even a few minutes on the mat will lift my mood.  I cannot recommend Yoga with Adriene enough.  

~Lights. I have twinkle lights in the living room.  In my bedroom, I have three non-burning candles, a diffuser light, a bedside table lamp, and a salt diffuser.   It's so cozy when they are all all turned on. Pretty lights make me very happy.

~Incense.   A fresh-smelling house can solve at least 98%  of life's problems.

~Cooking.   I am joined at the hip to my instant pot.   I get so focused on chopping and mixing that I can block everything else out.  Bonus points for rollibg things in flour or corn meal.   CATHARTIC.

~Journals.  I have a collection.  It helps even when I don't think I have anything to say.

~Cozy socks and a blanket when it's cold outside.  Enough said.

~Combed hair.  It's the same feeling as having a clean house.  I feel much  better when everything, including my hair, is in its proper place.

~Fresh, warm towels from the dryer.  Delightful.

~Friends.  Many a grumpy mood has been erased by belly laughs with good people.

~Acknowledgement. Sometimes, all I need is to say the feeling to myself and give myself permission to feel it.   

What helps you find your happy?

A gift to myself

This week, I have been working through the concept of "Creativity is god's gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to god."

I call bullshit.  Creativity is really our gift to ourselves.

Creativity forces us to be present, listening and observing with an open heart and mind.  This is where the real magic happens.  When we have those "epiphany" moments, we try to describe it with our art.  Art is the expression of these feelings. I know as I am working to use my creativity, I see things differently. That's the real gift.  "God" doesn't need my gift.  I need it.  That idea was very liberating to me as I sat and wrote it all out in my journal.

I have been working through The Artist's Way.  I am enjoying the process. One of the center points of the program is "god", but the author is clear from the beginning a belief in god is not necessary to work the program.   On page 3 with the basic principles, I immediately crossed out all mentions of "god" and replaced with "universe" or "goddess".  I read them aloud to myself like that.  How amazing. As I have learned to question and be more confident, using something other than "god" is a tool to learn more about myself.  

I talked to a new person this week.  She is a gay Republican Trump supporter christian.  Other than the gay part, this would seem like the very last person I could have a meaningful conversation. It was quite the opposite.  There was no judgement-- just listening and sharing each other's views and learning. I said to her I believe we probably have a lot more in common than we have different. We just have different journeys and different perspectives.

She said to me at one point "You're a believer, right?" I immediately took a deep breath and answered "No".   She then quoted scripture that when god puts his hand on us, no one can remove it, even ourselves.  She believes someday I will come back to god.

I really thought a lot about it this week.  On the one hand, a huge piece of me bristles with this kind of teaching.  She was nice and warm and welcoming, but there is still this idea that I will need to change something about myself.  It's the same old religious bullshit I have heard all my life. I think it came from a place of sincerity so I am not going to be offended by it.  Instead, I used it as an opportunity to explore and put my thoughts down on paper.

Not that I won't  change and grow as I age because with age comes experience and wisdom, but I never see myself going back to "god".   Certainly not the "god"  I was raised to know.  I believe "god" exists in the universe as the energy life-source. I use "goddess" because I believe in the feminine nurturer but also the ass-kicker when shit needs to get done. I can say there is something out there bigger and more expansive than me, but I believe it is energy, constantly moving and evolving.  I don't need the label of "god" to be in awe of this life and the power existing in this life-source.  

The leftover part of my life from the church days is the need to pray when things are going south.  There are many times--- certainly less now than when I was younger-- I just need to believe there is something that can take care of it when I can't do it myself. I think a lot about this because it seems hypocritical to me to pray when I don't believe in a "god".  I do, however, believe in the power of  the spoken word. It creates energy and movement. Ths is how prayer has evolved in my life. I need to be able to know I can take care of myself . Saying it out loud gives it a face, and that is what I need when I have hit a road block.

I am grateful I am using creativity as a gift to myself.  I am working to be confident enough to call myself an artist. I am important enough for this gift.  Using my life and talents is as much a gift to me as it is to anyone else.  It's when I am fulfilled with myself that I am really able to give back.

This journey is long and short and beautiful and ugly and frustrating and wonderful. About 89% of the time, I can say I have this and really mean it.  If I keep using the energy of the universe to propel me forward, I will be just fine.

morning

first light

cat paws

plant

books

journals

colors

pens

dishes

water

black coffee

phone

floor dirt

melodic refrigerator

grey

laundry remains

twirling fan

blankets

cannibas

ease

yoga 

photos

uncombed hair

peanut butter

clock

broken statue

memories

art

chakras

love

heroes

muffin tins

empty vase

unfinished projects

flower pattern

messy

pillows

paper bags

windows

dust

movement

 bottles

prayer candles

ashes

magic

wind

skulls

teapot

heirlooms

twinkle lights

buddah

One Big Puzzle

I am sitting with a cup of my morning Earl Grey tea and added a new journal to the rotation.  It's called "Life is Short.  Buy the Shoes".  It was given to me years ago by a lovely friend.  It exactly fits where I am in life right now. I love those moments when I find something that exactly fits.

I have big goals for today that include just being. I plan to not stay in my bed and watch Netflix all day (that's tomorrow's goal). I am on my couch, and I have been journaling and writing.   I've already done some yoga, and I will definitely attack Netflix later with a vengeance   I am going to try out a new recipe in my Instant Pot for an enchilada casserole.   I have to venture out for some cat litter. My stack of books  and water is at the ready. 

My default is to stay in bed and watch TV and end up sleeping a huge chunk of the day away.  Most days, this is not even because I am depressed, but because I really like it.   The cats and I will curl up,  I will have edibles, and the day is glorious.  I don't think there is anything at all wrong with this. I do think, however,  it is important to occasionally switch it up which is why I am taking the day to shift my scenery.

I like the routine I have developed during the pandemic.   Mondays and Tuesdays are my movie night with my platonic life partner.  Wednesdays are trashy soap opera FaceTime nights with two of my other platonic life partners.   Thursdays are movie night or traveling down south to spend time with the rest of "my bubble".  I really look forward to the nights of cocktails and pizza and discussing religion and/or politics until even I am surprised I have stayed up that late  Fridays are open.  Saturdays are stay in bed days.  Sundays are productive days:  Cooking, cleaning, putting shit together around the house, socializing, and more FaceTime with the boys.  This routine is so solid, and I look forward to all of these days.

I have never really been a girl with a routine for anything other than school and work and shows.  My personal life has always been fly by the seat of my pants.  I like that spontaneity, but I also realize a lot of this was because I wasn't confident enough to find a routine I liked and stick with it.  I was waiting for that perfect thing that would come along every day that would fill me up. I still find myself doing that a lot of days, but less days are like this.  Sometimes, less is okay.

When I started working from home in 2008, I was living in my parent's house by myself. I first started toying with this idea of  a routine.  I would get up and have my morning tea and read and journal and work my through TV shows that I loved.  When I stopped working from home at that time, I very easily went back to flying by the seat of my pants. I have spent a lot of my life floundering or rushing from place to place rather than taking the time to really enjoy the moment.

I am going on 4 years now of working from home again, and the pandemic has really brought those routines back.  The morning routine is usually some variation of the same:  I get up, great my hungry cats with some sarcastic comment, pee, feed the hungry cats, do yoga, heat up water for tea or coffee, make breakfast (or order Door Dash which even I will admit has gotten to be a bad habit), fill up my water bottle, turn on all the mood lights, sometimes fill up the diffuser, take my medicine, and settle in for work. Some days, it changes a little where I may not do yoga, or I may shower.   It's having the things I know I do in the mornings that bring comfort and joy to me and brings me much less anxiety.

I am really trying to work on an evening ritual. This a real struggle because when the day is winding down, I want to collapse in my cozy bed.  I am trying to add reading here and yoga and some journaling   It's hard, but I am officially working in it. 

Notice even though I have a lot of things plotted out, there's also a lot of room for flexibility in my schedule.  I can still fly by the seat of my pants if I desire.   It's trying to figure out how all these things fit together, like pieces of a big puzzle, that I find brings the most stability to my life and really gives me the opportunities to delve in and establish a solid personal relationship with myself.

I have spent a lot of years trying to have those personal relationships with god or with other people.  I still think human connections are vital.  I am pretty fortunate to have a lot of fun and quirky and caring people on this journey with me. The relationship with god not so much.  All that energy I have spent trying to connect with other things I am now spending in connecting with myself.  It's fabulous, and I found I really, really enjoy myself.  The world has opened way up. The more I learn about myself, the more I realize I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to do.  Example:   A few weekends ago, I wanted to put a bookshelf together.  I have never, ever seen this as a strength so I have avoided buying anything I have to assemble or I convince someone else to do it for me.    I made up my mind I was gonna do this one myself.  And I did. I still need to put the little plastic things on to cover the screws so it looks nice and pretty, but it's up and functional, and I did it BY MYSELF.   It was liberating.

I have found I can have all the things:  I can have my routine, I can have my work, I can have my friends, I can have my cats,  I can have my TV shows and be really happy and content. It's all a balancing act every day, I am always working at finding that balance.  Like working out a big puzzle.  I pat myself on the back when I find that big piece that has been staring at me all along.  

I don't have it all figured out yet, but figuring it out is part of the fun.

When the Rain Starts Falling

 I love everything about a good storm especially I don't have to go outside.

I love sitting in the house and listening to the rain hitting the windows. I love the wind screaming from the heavens.   I even love the downed tree branches as ling as they don't do any real damage. I feel safe and protected inside in my cozy little house, knowing the rain is going to stay out there. I can just sit back and enjoy it.

Being from the south, I am used to A LOT of storms.  When I was a kid, tornado season would freak me the fuck out. I would spend all day watching the Weather Channel and track storms as they moved across the country. I would wait for that tornado watch or warning.  I would be so scared when I heard the sirens start blaring.   I still get a little nervous now anytime the sirens go off even if I know they are just being tested. That being said, I lived in a world where nothing bad could ever happen to me (the good old days) so I really don't think I was THAT scared. I think a lot of it was liked the excitement.  Now that I have gotten older, I would give anything for a good storm chase. I say that NOW.  Seriously, I do miss a good storm. We don't get so many of those in California, so I am always thankful when they come my way.

I find the rain and wind unbelievably cozy. I have a stack of things I like to do to celebrate this coziness.  Here is my list:

*Bundling up in my coziest clothes.  Today, it's my RBG SUPER DIVA sweatshirt, my Gap sweatpants which are too big, my new sleep sweater from Torrid (Trust me on this, everyone needs a good sleep sweater), warm socks, and frizzy hair pulled back with a bedazzled clip.  Everything on my person right now is super cozy.

*A cat (s).   The rain and wind were made for cats. I find nothing better than a good feline snuggle buddy at times like this.  I have an enormous black fluff ball at my side right now.

*Low lights.  Today, I turned on my LED candles, my diffuser with soft green light, and the fairy light in my living room.  When I settle in to watch TV later, every light in the living room is going OFF.

*A good book (s).   I am not sure that I will get to my stack today, but I have them out just in case.

*Blankets.   These are essential.  Today, I am piled up with the cat blanket, a beautiful pink furry one, a blue one that was a gift from work, and I am a hot second from wrapping all the way up in my Star Wars blanket.

*Warm tea and/or coffee.  French roast was on the menu for this morning. 

*Movies and TV shows.  In particular, Falcon Crest "Stormy Weather" is a favorite.  I plan to put this on later as I am settling in my bed for the night. If I had planned this out better, I would have spent the day watching Harry Potter.

*Waking up in the middle of the night or early in the morning and listening to the rain hit the windows.  Today, the wind sounded SO ANGRY, and I loved everything about it.  I especially love it when I know I don't have anywhere to be.

*Soup.  Today's menu:  Tortellini and mushroom soup made in the Instant Pot.  HEAVEN.

Talk to me, world.  What are some things that make you happy and cozy during the rain?

Happy Wednesday!

We only have 2.5 more days of Donald Trump's presidency, or how I became an atheist

I never planned to leave the church

I never planned to be an agnostic.

I never planned to be an atheist.

then life happened.

My break from the church was actually pretty anti-climactic although it was a process .No real planning.   When I moved to California, I knew I wanted something different from how I grew up.  I half-heartedly went to a few churches, but realized I didn't just want something different. I didn't want anything at all. I was okay with that.

Although didn't plan to leave the church, I can think of three very specific things that lead to my eventual exodus: Being terribly hurt and disappointed by a leader in the church, the death of my mother, and the suicide of a then friend's brother.  I started to question and look at things and think that everything just did not add up. The whole process took about 5 years. I am still working through it some days.  At first, I didn't feel the need to put a label on it.   I was okay with being agnostic.   I am much more willing to call myself an atheist now, and I think that just has to do with time and life experience. I am just at peace with my life now in a way I have never been.  That doesn't all have to do with church, but a good portion of it does.

I was never sad about it.  I never missed it. I never wanted to go back.  I just felt this overwhelming peace and an eventual realization that I could be whoever I wanted to be.  I was able to figure out who the hell I was, and what motivated me.  I had opinions, and I was not afraid to share them. I found myself, and I just would not trade that 

I have also accumulated a great number of amazing friends over the years since I have left (and still a few friends left from the old days). Friends who text me just to tell me they love me.   Friends who text me not to panic that Betty White is trending because it's her birthday.  Friends who talk politics  and religion with me and drink wine until the wee hours (I now consider anything past 10 pm "the wee hours"). Friends who share my love for a good 80's soap operas.  Friends who understand the importance of watching Keeping up with the Kardashians. Friends who bring me the non-dairy ice cream bars  we both like. 

Many of these people I may have never met if I had stayed in that narrow, rigid world.  

Even though I never regretted for an instant leaving the church, I will admit that organized religion does strike a tense cord in me.  I have spent hours talking about this at nauseam with my friends.  Now that I am on the other side, it seems to be that it should be so clear.  To be perfectly honest, that's pretty judgmental of me.  I have never really been able to strike that balance between realizing that every "christian" is not how I was raised and just immediately be turned off as soon as I hear the word.  I am working on that.

Even though I talk a lot about religion and the damage I believe it has the capacity to do to individuals and to society, I am not really often confronted with looking at my past right in the eye.

That was until this week.

We had an insurrection at the Capitol.  That's another whole blog post.  It just has disgusted and enraged me in a way that I cannot even put into words.   Then, someone I went to school with posted a video from the last Sunday morning service of my former church.  The preacher prays "curses" over those who unfairly stole the election. He cursed them with poverty and with the worst year of their lives.   Considering the year we just came from (fuck off, 2020), that's a pretty hefty curse.  It was absolutely cringe-worthy.   I was angry and sad .   How can you still have such love for a place and for a period of life and simultaneously just think that everything about it is really fucked up? I am having to confront that is happening a lot as I am working through my past: The church, my parents. I have love and anger all at the very same time.  

As my past religion came right to the front of my brain this week, I had to do some examining of myself. I didn't exactly like what I saw.  I had to ask myself how I sat through that for so long. If I were still there, would I believe the election had been stolen? Would I be cheering the pastor on with his curses?  I would like to think not, but I really don't know.  Sometimes, when you are right in the middle of a belief that is so dangerous and divisive, you can't always see through it. This is the true definition of a cult which, even now, is hard for me to say out loud.  It makes me uncomfortable so I can't say it right now. I really started to get down on myself and think what a hypocrite. Here I am spewing righteous fury now when I was once sitting in those pews.   I had to tell myself  STOP and just to be thankful that now I am on the other side. My therapist and I talked a lot about it this week. Dwelling in the past serves me no good now.  I learned.  I moved on.  End of story.  That's what I will continue to tell myself every time this tries to rear its ugly head.

Another interesting thing happened this week.  I had been talking to several friends about reading the Bible again as a book of literature now that I am an adult and an atheist.  I decided I was going to pull out my old Bible, the one the church has given me when I graduated high school.   It had an Al-Anon bookmark tucked in it, and there were lots of passages that were highlighted.  I loved that Bible because it was so easy to understand, and it was my "good" Bible. When I pulled it out, I had an immediate visceral reaction.  I started to be afraid and panic.  Also, I was always taught the Bible should  be on top and nothing on it.   This totally fucked with my OCD because it was the biggest book and should go on the bottom.  I had to tell myself I was being ridiculous and made myself put it on the bottom so my OCD could be satisfied.  I continued to swirl and panic.  I finally decided I  am just not ready for this right now and had to put it back in the closet from whence it came.  I talked to therapist about it.  She said it could have triggered a PTSD reaction because objects do have meaning.   Just picking up that book and trying to remember who I was at that time triggered that reaction in me.  She suggested if I ever did decide I wanted to read it again that I start with a neutral Bible and not one that held such memories.  That's a great idea, but I don't have a desire to pick one up again anytime soon.

I still hold to that my leaving the church was anti-climatic with a little touch of the dramatic as I had to look at some of it again this week.  I had a bad exchange on social media with a dude I went to high school with.  My moral compass is "broken", and I very happily announced I had no qualms about my moral compass thank you very much. I also had a couple of really positive conversations with old friends and mentors. They represent a special and complicated time in my life.  I was reminded again of how fortunate I am to have such loving people from both eras of my life.  It gave me some hope that Christians and non-believers can co-exist together peacefully.  They weren't judging but loving.  Isn't that what a Christian should be?  Isn't that what a good human should be?  I am thankful (man, I hate that word, but it just fits right now) that I still have people in my life from that time who have watched me grow and thankful (there is is again) that I have friends who never knew that part of me.  Both sets of them love me which I think is a huge accomplishment.  

Leaving the church has done a lot for me.  Or maybe it's just getting older.  Maybe a combination of both.  I am more opiniated, sassier, trying to be a good person because it's the right thing to do and not because I am afraid of going to Hell, bitchier, more fiercely loving, more willing to question, more willing to learn, more willing to admit I do not have all the answers, more determined to not end up like either of my parents, more determined to never live a narrow life again.   I am me, and I like that a lot.

Also, Donald Trump is only in office for 2.5 days  Thank gawd. I might need a cocktail later to celebrate.